Hello from the other side!

It has been awhile!  About a year, actually.  

A little update.  I am doing really well.  

I am still being treated for Stage IV/Stage V Lupus Nephritis, but I am no longer needing chemotherapy!  

Thank you all so very much for your continued prayers, emails, texts, cards, stopping by, checking in, and taking care of the girls for us.  We are so incredibly thankful to have the support system we do.

I have learned so much over the past year.  About lupus.  About myself.  About respect.  About boundaries.  About accepting help.  About humility.  About the power of prayer.  About "being still" so God can do His thing.  

It has been the hardest year of my entire life.

... if I'm completely honest, in the 9.5 years of living with lupus, I've never really given lupus the proper respect it deserves.  

I've always told myself that I can handle it.  

I am stronger than this.  

I can still do everything I always used to do. 

I can still help my family/friends out whenever they need something, even if I'm not feeling 100%, I'll just deal with my health "later".  

It won't matter if I'm a little tired, everyone gets tired, just keep pressing on. 

And I think... God was getting frustrated with me for ignoring the seriousness of my disease and that is why He allowed my kidneys to fail "just enough" so that I would need chemo.  

He HAD to do something "drastic" to get my attention, because I clearly wasn't getting the message.  

To make me RESPECT the beast that is ravaging through my body, He literally had to put me in the hospital.  

And even for a short while after chemo last year, I still had the mentality that this was just a temporary setback, soon I'll be back to my old self again.  

And sure enough, late March/early April, my kidneys started failing again and my doctor was talking about needing more chemotherapy this summer.  (He has since backed off of that and we are treating my kidneys with medication from home... no chemotherapy as of right now.)  

I believe God is telling me that if I don't start respecting this disease, it will be the death of me.  No question about it.

So I must rest when I'm tired.  

Say NO when I am not feeling well.
Cancel plans without feeling guilty. 

Avoid all day adventures without planning for rest. 

Stop pushing my body to extremes.

Stop stressing over things I cannot control.  

Be smart with my life or my life will be done.  

The choice is mine.

... which leads to another epiphany...

I think since I wasn't paying lupus the proper amount of respect, it allowed others to also assume that my lupus wasn't really a big deal.  

It gave others permission to under mind this major detail of my life and the constant uphill battle I face on a daily basis.  

Lupus is unrelenting.  If it's not the disease causing havoc in my body, then its the medications and their side effects causing other problems in my body.

And since I've always glossed over the side effects, tried to cover up my bad days by telling everyone "I'm fine" or never putting up boundaries or telling people NO, last year was a "necessary" wake-up call.

And I know now, that I MUST speak up, even if that means upsetting people.  My intention is not to cause hurt feelings, but to give myself the best fighting chance I can, to do what I have to do, in order to get better.  I truly believe that, 

"Those who matter... won't mind.  

And those who mind... don't really matter."

I've also learned that I have to swallow my pride and admit when my body is not functioning as well as I would like it to.  Which has been very humbling, especially considering I've always been a very physically active person.  But, I have to listen to what my body tells me.  And direct all my time and energy into getting through these flares, then, and only then, can I pick up the pieces and start again.  

Because my husband deserves a healthy wife.  

And my daughters deserve a healthy mother.  

Having them visit me in the chemotherapy section of the hospital at the tender ages of 3 and 6, was not something I ever prepared my heart for, and I don't ever want them to have to visit me in there again.

... so, without a doubt, the biggest lesson that I've learned from the past 18 months is that RESPECT is paramount if you want to live a healthy life, chronic illness or not.  

You have to respect yourself.  

You have to respect your disease.  

You have to respect that some people are going to judge you no matter what you are going through, or how you handle it.

You have to respect the fact that you cannot please everyone.

And the saying, 

"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" 

has never meant more to us than it does now.  We faced a Goliath sized obstacle and came through on the other side.  

So Adele, though your song is for a different reason, I feel the power behind your message.  And I'm excited to see what the future has in store for Team Knaup.

Perhaps on another post, I'll fill you in on what the girls have been up to, but in the meantime here's a recent photo of them.  

Thank you again, for giving me the grace needed to get through this challenging season of my journey with lupus.  I hope to never be in that bad of a flare up again, but given that there is still NO CURE for this horrible disease and that it truly does have a mind of its own, who knows when my next Goliath sized obstacle will happen.  But I am confident that with the lessons I've learned from this recent battle, and with an enormous amount of help from the man upstairs and my rock of a husband, I think we have more than a fighting chance to rise above.  

Besides, so far, my Success Rate for overcoming lupus attacks is 100% and I like those odds.

Forever fighting the never ending battle with lupus

Yours Truly,

Bev